you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
