Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just fell off a train. Bad.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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