I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
