Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
