He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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