Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
