if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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