remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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