i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
