Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
