why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
