Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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