oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
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Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
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