Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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