my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
