9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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