One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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