Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Randomize
