well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
