I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
