Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
