I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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