i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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