someone threw a dead crab at me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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