dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
