I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
