I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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