go do what you do best...puke behind churches
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Send help, water and tortillas.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
