Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Farmville is her only friend.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
