Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
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