I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
