Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
