I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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