There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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