so let's talk penis.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
