It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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