I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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