even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
