I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
