white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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