you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
