She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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