I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You've changed since you got that strap on
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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