so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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