I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize