I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
