Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
