So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We need to feng shui this bitch.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
