I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
