look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
