I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
