Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
