I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
