That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
