peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
