I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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