i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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