Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
