Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
