Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
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